I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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