THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
