I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
