she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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