He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
