i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
