I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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