i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
