I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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