Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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