Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
