i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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