I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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