If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
