quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
