Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i now understand why vodka
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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