Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
