i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I want is dick and wine.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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