I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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