I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
