nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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