dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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