Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm getting married
To pizza
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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