I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
