Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
