I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
