i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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