i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
