i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
