I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
