Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
