Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
