i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
