How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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