Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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