Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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