You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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