i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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