Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
