Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
