remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
