Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
