I am puke
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
