i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
