my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
