So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
