i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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