she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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