do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
