i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
