I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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