We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
