i love accidental penises.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
