just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
